THE BELIEFS OF ALL REPUBLICANS

I wish I knew who to thank for this, it has been making the rounds on e-mails everywhere.
Can you make these leaps of faith? If you can, then maybe you're a Republican.
1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because it is a Communist country, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to the spirit of international harmony.
4. The United States should withdraw from the United Nations, but our highest national priority is winning support for the U.N. resolution against Iran.
5 A woman can't be trusted to make decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations should be able to make decisions that affect millions of people and the environment without fear of being regulated.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
8. The best way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. We're better off supporting the HMOs and insurance companies because they have the best interests of the public at heart.
10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. However, a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record and oil investments are none of our business.
14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
15. "Executive Privilege" should be extended to every Republican ever born, about to be born, or who might be born (in perpetuity.)
16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
17. When a hunter shoots his friend and blames him for wearing an orange vest similar to those worn by the quail, we should believe him