THE HALLOWEEN MYSTIQUE

I suppose I was a strange child. I always was smarter, quieter and more secretive than most children my age. And that was OK. Hell, that was a blessing to my parents, who also had two other children, normally running around the house making more noise than an entire day care center. My father practically needed a second job just to replace everything they broke. All in all, we had pretty boring, unspectacular childhoods, completely feeling loved and somewhat well adjusted.

But, there was one troubling issue in my family. Halloween. Even as a very young boy, I chose not to participate. Ever. Fought like hell when my parents demanded my trying "tricking and / or treating." Never did it, never will. Especially as an adult. What could possibly more inane than grown ups playing "dress up" one night a year.

Ditto for spectacularly carved pumpkins and house decorations. Never mind the idiots and morons who not only dress up their house pets in costumes, take digital pictures, then post them on You Tube.

I am not a complete stiff. I do politely offer candy to the assorted children who come knocking on the door. The endless parade of kids, one after another for untold hours. God I dread the parade. After a few hours, I am sorry, but the front lights are going off, and leave me the hell alone. I am not an absolute party pooper, I just hold all those who celebrate in this manner in complete disdain. I see no purpose in it. I see no pleasure in it.

Just for the record, Halloween is not a "holiday." It doesn't rate high enough for it. No one can even justify its existence. So, if you have a Halloween party, please do not invite me. I will not show. If you have kids, I will give you until 7 or 8pm, then the lights go out. If this is something you enjoy, go with it. But, please leave me out.