A VERY DISFUNCTIONAL THANKSGIVING FAMILY DINNER

As we all gather with family and friends today at Thanksgiving, give thanks that we are not sitting around the dinner table with this disfunctional family, who I'll call "The Powderkegs."

Iraq: A new born child who will never survive without their Daddy (U.S.) there to protect them. A country divided by three factions just waiting for their chance for a full on civil war. For now, the baby is happy just to eat what is served them by the daddy. But is displaying many temper tantrums.

Iran: An older, and stronger brother waiting for their chance to seize the Middle East by nuclear storm. He will eat what comes their way, but secretly covet your food, and are making plans to get some next year. He offers to make the toasts, but no blessings.

Lebanon: A sick, ailing little brother on his death bed. The recent assassination of their cabinet minister suggests we may want to call the Priest to administer last rites. He is too sick to eat. Recently come away a loser of a savage attack from another brother, which has left him bitter and despondant. Served up a disproportional serving of squash.

Afghanistan: The bipolar devilish middle child. Out of control despite a strong babysitter (U.S.) watching. They eat well, but need to be spoon fed. Is itching to start a food fight. Harboring many friends in their household capable of doing great harm. These friends frequently stuff themselves full of explosives. Says the right things, but actions speak louder than their words.

Saudi Arabia: A very strong, rich uncle who just sits in an easy chair watching TV while all hell breaks out around him. He is, at least for now, carving the turkey and serving the meal. Secretly gave money to very bad distant relatives, who did many others great harm over the years.

Jordan: Another uncle quietly taking the money. Pretends to like everyone. Secretly hates and distrusts everyone. He eats, he drinks, he even passes everything to who ever is sitting next to him. He is entrusted with saying the blessing before dinner.

Syria: A very powerful sister who is flexing her muscles publicly. Pulling many strings quietly in the background. They are too busy sizing up the members of the family table to eat. She is the most likely to steal the silverware.

Israel: A brother with a very powerful father who protects them. Too busy kvetching and bitching to see that the entire table hates them, and if the family gangs up on them, they could be out of the family. Everyone else passes the side dishes to them, after spitting in them. Supplies all of the whine to the dinner. Will eat the turkey, but none of the ham. Given a very small piece of the dinner table.

Pakistan and India: Strong older brother figures. Distant neighbors. Could help bring order to the table. Developing a very nice arsenal of carving tools, but true power is economic, not nuclear. Too busy to come to dinner.

Russia, China, Egypt: Very strong distant uncles who have been invited to dinner, but has, as of yet, refused every invitation.

U.S.: Not related. Matriarchal interloper. Good intentioned, but unwelcome dinner guest. Had grandiose plans of bringing peace to the table, but is being torn apart because of it. Many want to grab our wine and go home, but chaos would surely ensue. Had hopes of making valuable family connections in order to get cheaper turkey, which is abundant in the Powderkeg household. Despite many scars, disharmony continues at the table.

Will there ever be peace at this Thanksgiving table? Most of the guests not only want brother Israel kicked out of the dinner, they want them to leave in body bags.

Will the uncles get involved? Will the interloper leave the table and let them fight it out? No, they can't. They are into the main courses, and it is far too late to leave the dinner. Naively believed the dessert course would be finished by now.